The Death of Pursuit: Why Men Are Checking Out of Dating, Leadership, and Reality
Week 48 of Being 31
Introduction: The Vanishing Man
Once, the archetypal man was a pursuer. He pursued a wife, a career, a purpose. He was the one who braved rejection, took initiative, and bore the responsibility of leadership. Today, that man is an endangered species.
Men are no longer pursuing women. Not in the church. Not in the world. Not in real life.
Instead, they retreat into digital worlds—porn, video games, endless online debates—where they can feel a fleeting sense of accomplishment without the real-world risks of rejection, responsibility, or failure. At the same time, many Christian men, once expected to lead, have been made to feel as though leadership is oppressive, toxic, or unnecessary.
Before we continue, I encourage readers to pause here and do me a favor if you find something offensive. Please read to the end and hear my full argument before you label me as hateful. Lastly, if you feel I have failed to articulate my argument well, please feel free to contact me and tell me where you feel I should/could clarify or even where I am wrong. I am flawed and imperfect, and I am trying to grow and learn. These posts are the result of me publically trying to organize my thoughts and ideas. Thoughts and ideas that I am trying to present in a winsome way.
So how did we get here? And what happens when men stop pursuing? Where did all the "good men" go? This was a question that was asked during a fairly recent episode of the "Becoming Something" podcast, a popular podcast among many Christian Young Adults. When during this podcast, the entire podcast episode was spent badgering young men, the TLDR was basically, "Men do better." A few months later, a few young men sent in a request asking the reverse, "Where are all the good women at?" Intrigued, I checked out this episode only to find the first fifteen minutes were spent off-subject; when they did finally get to the question of the message, it seemed to be the same: "Men do better."
Do I think men need to do better? Absolutely, but I think women, too, need to do better. Failing to see the hardships of each sex is what has led us to this cultural moment where our marriage rates are in freefall. Men should seek to understand the problems being experienced by women today, and women should seek to do the same for men. And as I am not a woman, I am ill-equipped to fully articulate the issues being experienced by women. So, today's focus will be on addressing the issues I have observed being experienced by today's young men.
1. Cultural Conditioning: The War on Masculinity
Modern culture has spent decades chipping away at the idea of men as leaders and initiators. The feminist movement—especially in its later waves—reframed traditional masculinity as toxic, oppressive, and inherently suspect.
Chivalry became misogyny. Holding a door open is now seen as sexist.
Many years ago, I was talking to an older female co-worker I was visiting, and while I was speaking to her, I would answer her with "Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am," in turn told me, "Don't call me Ma'am," I then explained to her that it was how I had been raised and that it was intended as a term of respect. She was unimpressed and dropped it as I stood my ground. In another situation, I held the door for a woman, and she looked at me with disdain and told me, "I can open my own door."
These are minor scenarios, and I was blessed to have been raised with these Chivalric ideas, as I had many positive male role models to teach me these ideas. But sadly, many young men today have nothing but internet personalities to prepare them as dads are largely missing from the lives of today's young men.
This combination of young men lacking father figures and a culture that tells these young men that they are by their very nature toxic and predators has left many young men in a position where they instead check out rather than engage. The culture has told men that they are not needed, and thus, many have retreated to their virtual worlds, or they remove themselves from the world entirely by suicide. In 2022, the suicide rate among males was approximately four times higher than that among females. Although males constitute about 50% of the U.S. population, they accounted for nearly 80% of suicide deaths in 2022, according to CDC.gov.
Pursuit became predatory. Men approaching women is now considered “creepy.”
Men have always been the ones to pursue as they should. Yet today's culture has become hostile to this effort. Some of the messaging comes overtly from feminist media, while others come more covertly. As men see examples of bad actors mistreating women, young men find themselves bent on avoiding scenarios where they might be seen as a creep. And to top it off, with cameras on every corner and cell phone, many men fear the thought of ending up on someone's Instagram reel and having their reputation dragged through the mud. They may end up clearing their name, but for many, the risk simply does not seem to outweigh the reward; it is better to just not try at all.
Masculinity became an illness. The term “toxic masculinity” is now used to describe normal male behavior.
The origins of this term are rarely discussed. Coined in the 1980s, the term was originally used in psychological studies to examine the behaviors of male inmates in correctional facilities. Researchers observed that certain hyper-aggressive traits, often cultivated in environments of violence and neglect, contributed to criminal behavior. Over time, however, the term expanded beyond criminology and began to be applied more broadly, often in ways that pathologize traditional masculine traits such as assertiveness, risk-taking, and competitiveness. This shift has led many men to internalize the idea that their natural tendencies are inherently harmful, further discouraging them from taking on leadership roles or pursuing meaningful relationships.
If men are told that their very nature from birth is toxic, then what will happen over time is that many young fatherless men will inevitably begin to internalize this, and they will seek to kill this part of themselves, becoming pacified, weak and ultimately dangerous. As Jordan Peterson has stated, "A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control." Without proper guidance, these men do not become peaceful; they become unstable, lacking the structure and discipline necessary to channel their strength for good. And ultimately, it is these weak men who go to commit mass shootings. Men's strength, aggression, and assertiveness are a gift and a blessing that has to be molded into a weapon and shield to protect and defend those around them.
Because men are increasingly told that their very nature is problematic, they’ve learned to back off, to play it safe, to avoid pursuit altogether.
2. The Economic Disincentives: Why Buy the Cow?
Beyond cultural pressure, there are serious economic reasons why men aren’t pursuing relationships.
The Risk of Divorce: No-Fault Divorce has turned marriage into a financial gamble, where men stand to lose everything.
According to asanet.org, Approximately 69% of divorces are initiated by women, a figure that rises to 90% among college-educated. One could pause here and ask why this figure dramatically increases among college-educated women. While I have no doubt, there are many instances where the man is entirely at fault. The question remains unanswered, allow me to bro-science for a moment on this. If a woman has a college education, she is likely going to have greater financial freedom, and while this is overall good, it does give her license to believe that she doesn't need her husband and so rather than seek to do the hard thing and pursue a resolution it is going to be easier to just go the route of divorce. Women are prone to higher levels of negative emotion, and thus, the odds of them becoming dissatisfied with their marriage increase, especially when they see perfect, glamorized lives on social media. And if all else fails, women have daddy government that is going to support and even incentivize them to divorce.
The Decline of Male Economic Power: Women now out-earn men in many cities. Hypergamy—the tendency for women to date up—leaves lower-earning men without options.
In addition to previous ideas, a study from the University of Chicago shows that when a wife makes as little as $5000 more than her husband, the odds of divorce increase. Studies have also revealed that when a wife makes more than her husband, the odds of him experiencing some form of erectile dysfunction. To do a little bro-science here again, it logically makes sense that if a husband makes less money than his wife, he will feel like she doesn't need him, especially when all of society will tell him exactly that. Finally, the wife will find it harder to respect him, and she will find herself perhaps beginning to believe that maybe she really doesn't need him. This imbalance will eventually lead to marital dissatisfaction. Despite what feminists say, women do, in general, want men who are "better" than them in that they want someone they can look up to; they want someone who they can feel safe around. Thus, hypergamy makes sense, and I would even argue it is a God-given design. Men are called to be the leaders of their families; they are designed to be stronger; they are designed to be the providers of physical, spiritual, and financial security. When men fail in any of these areas, women find themselves losing respect for their husbands, and they find they get "the ick," which I would call ultimately a loss of respect. And men die slowly when they are in an environment where they do not feel respected or needed.
The Rise of the Digital Economy: Why spend money on dates when you can spend $20 a month on OnlyFans and get validation without effort?
Where we once lived in a brawn economy where men excelled, we have today moved to largely a brain economy where women become much more capable of competing. It is not a bad thing, but it has made it harder for many young men today to become capable of competing or even landing as a visible prospect to many young women. As a result, as a woman's financial independence grows, the pool of men who she will find appealing shrinks. As financial security is a high priority for most women, but her financial independence begins to hinder her potential dating prospects, not because men are no longer interested in her, but because, most often, she is no longer interested in them.
The reverse is true for men; as they become increasingly financially competent, the pool of potential prospects grows exponentially. While many might think that these men would then find themselves drawn to the lawyer women, this does not factor in for most men. In general, men are going to be far more interested in cues that suggest health, fertility, and fidelity. At a glance, health and fertility can be inferred from their appearance. Their "body count," as the internet calls it, can then infer her capacity for loyalty. This is an uncomfortable reality for many, and this is not to say that someone who has had a promiscuous past is incapable of loyalty and fidelity.
This is also not a concern or issue that is exclusive to women; a highly promiscuous past for either sex suggests they may have commitment issues, and at a neurological level, they may be less capable of pair bonding. And, like it or not, the reality is that, in general, men seem to be more averse to women with a highly promiscuous past. This is not to give men license to whore around and then seek a virgin wife but is instead intended to simply highlight what men and women prioritize when seeking a spouse is fundamentally different.
The harsh reality is that many men have done the math, and in their minds, modern dating simply isn’t worth it. And many young men today do not feel they are capable of competing. Women rule the growing front-facing digital economy, while many sinister men profit on the backend. OnlyFans, Instagram, and other digital attention platforms allow many women to make thousands, some even making millions. Most men simply can’t compete financially with this. Men also can't compete with the attention that is garnered by these platforms. On these platforms, women can not only garner millions of dollars, but they can also gain the attention and affirmation of hundreds of thousands of men and women.
There is a final and more sinister element to this: these platforms train women to treat themselves as nothing more than sexual objects, and they train men to see these women as nothing more than objects. While on another note, I can only imagine how intoxicating this constant validation must be for many. While quietly, you (the recipient of the validation) compare yourself to every other girl on these platforms. Where thoughts like, "She got X amount of likes in X amount of time; thus, she must be more valuable than me," inevitably invade hearts and minds.
This vicious cycle of compare, compete, and repeat is seemingly an inescapable whirlpool of misery, leaving many feeling depressed and hopeless. And this hopelessness seems to exist for both men and women, if for different reasons.
3. The Psychological Shift: Dopamine Addiction & The Virtual Escape
A man’s drive for ambition, pursuit, and leadership is deeply tied to his ability to delay gratification. But we live in an era of instant pleasure.
Porn has replaced real women. It gives men a constant supply of virtual intimacy without rejection.
I have often quoted Chris Williamson in his male sedation hypothesis. Porn is a weapon that is used to sedate the natural and good desire to compete and achieve. With the previously mentioned challenges that many men today face, many have retreated, and rather than risk being rejected and dealing with the potential destruction of their reputation, they take the easy way. And seclude themselves. For many, they don't see the risk as being worth the potential reward. And once again, many of these young men today have grown up in fatherless homes where they were never equipped with the confidence to engage in the world. This is not intended to relieve men of their responsibility to engage but is intended to highlight why so many are struggling.
Video games have replaced real-world conquest. Men used to fight wars, build empires, and chase glory. Now, they do it in online games.
The second part of the male sedation hypothesis is that video games sedate a man's desire to "conquer the world." This sedation has a dozen different consequences; I will mention a few here. One, by sedating men's desire to achieve, they inevitably become less successful. Thus, they become less desirable to the "highly achieved" women around them. Thus, they, too, find themselves in a vicious circle where they compare themselves to all the alleged millionaire playboys they see on social media. And so when they see these men, they begin to disqualify themselves, and they, too, take the easy route. Losing a Call of Duty match is far less impactful and emotionally distressing than putting themselves out into the world and risking failure and potential humiliation.
With unlimited dopamine hits at their fingertips found in the controllers and keyboards, many men have lost the hunger to pursue real life and make a meaningful difference.
4. The Church’s Failure: A Crisis of Male Leadership
The church should be the one place where strong, godly men thrive. But instead, Christian men have become increasingly passive, confused, and disengaged.
Churches emphasize female-friendly values. Men are called to be “nice,” not strong.
This is an issue that I have found myself increasingly aware of. Today, many churches fail to truly engage the hearts of many young men. Many of the church services are weak and effeminate. They instead pander to their base, which is often predominately female, and so many young men simply do not go to church because the thing they crave isn't there. Where men crave logic, order, and justice, the church increasingly focuses only on grace, mercy, and love. The idea of love being firmly integrated with justice is largely forgotten. Enacting justice is a form of love. Ensuring that violent criminals are duly prosecuted and, in some cases, even face capital punishment is an act of love, yet few preachers today will say such a thing from the pulpit. Some may say such things from the comfort of their office, but many won't risk offense before their congregation, and many find themselves in this position because their peers find themselves ousted from their positions when they dare speak such things from the pulpit.
Leadership is discouraged. Many churches subtly shame men who take charge while elevating “servant leadership” to mean passivity.
It's a subtle perversion here; servant leadership sounds great on paper, but you must ask what they mean by it. Does it mean pandering and consistently begging for forgiveness when they offend someone? Because if that is what they mean, then it is a perversion. On the other hand, if it means men stepping into their God-given positions of authority where they seek to lead by example and seek forgiveness when they make mistakes, then it truly does meet a godly definition of "servant leadership." Leadership is to go. First, it is to take the bullets for the sake of another, it is to risk offense for the truth, and it is the firm resolve to defend those who can't defend themselves. It is not a thing that should be taken lightly; it is a weighty crown worn not from a place of privilege but a heart of service.
Men are spiritually starved. Without strong Christian role models calling them to rise up, they fall into apathy, just as Adam did in the garden.
Conclusion: The Call to Pursue Again
The world is suffering from a crisis of male leadership, but the solution isn’t complicated. We men need to wake up and pursue own God-given purpose. We WILL make mistakes, suffer rejection, and fail, but no great things were ever achieved without failure or without risk.
Stop numbing yourself with entertainment, porn, and digital distractions.
Stop waiting for permission to lead.
Stop believing the lie that masculinity is toxic.
Start taking responsibility for your faith, your future, and your family.
Pursuit is what makes a man. And the world is desperate for Godly men who will rise up. A spiritual war is taking place in our midst, and we were made for war. We were made to take action, speak boldly, risk offense, defend, and love the hurting and helpless. And so, in conclusion, rather than just saying, men do better! I am instead saying, “Men, we can do better.” This is what we have been made for; we are made for war; we have been designed to overcome and to make things better. But I am also saying something that the podcast I mentioned above did not: that the issues and challenges you are facing are legitimate. Still, the answer is not to retreat into these virtual realms of ease and artificial satisfaction. We must engage, and we must fight back the temptations of apathy and resignation.
I hope this post encourages men and that women will have compassion for their struggling brothers in Christ. We men know women are also struggling, and we want to make things better. But we need you on our side, helping and supporting us. We are not enemies, as the feminists would have you believe; we are allies, each created to complement and grow the other to become more like Christ.